[gentle R&B music] - What's going on everybody?

And welcome back to Fatherhood, where we aim to uplift voices and redefine legacy by having real conversations about what it means to be a black father in the world today.

On today's episode, we're shining a light on the men who are showing up in powerful ways, not just at home, but in the classrooms, on school boards, and throughout the entire community.

Here to help me unpack this much needed topic is Memphis-Shelby County School Board Member, Tamarques Porter.

- Thank you.

- CEO of Fathers First, Antonio Harvey.

- Thanks for having me today.

- And CEO of Raising the B.A.R.

Community Foundation for Development, Michael Mosby.

- Thanks for having me.

- Well, welcome again, gentlemen, thank you so much for your time today.

And I know that I just gave the viewers a glimpse of who you are by giving your titles and your organizations, but I love to give you the opportunity to share more about who you are as a man, you know, as a leader, you know, outside of your official titles and your roles.

Let's learn a little bit more about who each of you are.

- Well, thanks for having me.

Again, my name's Tamarques Porter, Memphis-Shelby County School Board for District 4.

But outside of the political realm, I'm a husband, I'm a father, I'm an educational advocate, technology advocate.

And so a lot of my time has been, I've been preparing myself for a particular role that's within fathership, that's with leadership as well.

So I'm from Orange Mound, I graduated from Melrose High School.

And so just growing up in those environments, it will prepare you for whatever comes to you in life.

And fortunate enough that I was blessed to have two sons and named Taj, Amir.

And just the joy of being of being a father is setting a vision for them and just leading a path where I can be a role model for them and set some sort of modality that they can follow.

- Okay, Antonio.

- All right, so just like my brother here, Mr. Porter, I'm a native Memphian, grew up in Memphis.

I pride myself on being a educator, but also a serving leader.

Been in the educational field for over 28 years now.

I've held numerous roles in education from being a teacher to a principal, to a district official.

And now I'm working actually back in the school environment, actually at the school where I actually grew up at, in North Memphis at Vollentine Elementary.

And so that's an exciting time.

But for me, you know, one of my greatest honors is being a father.

I have two kids who actually go to school here in Memphis, Nia and Noah.

And so for me, being a father, that's helping prepare them for the future, but also preparing the environment that they're going to be in for the future so they can have somewhere to land in a good place and have a place where they can thrive here in the city of Memphis.

So a lot of the work I'm doing now is preparing them to be successful in Memphis.

- That's fantastic, it's like a full circle moment right there.

That's awesome.

Mike.

- Man, much like these good brothers here, in addition to Raising the B.A.R., man, I'm a native Memphian, I lived elsewhere, stayed in Atlanta for quite a bit and came back home, man, to like do the works here.

Part of the works is I'm also the head football coach of high school here, Logan High School here, man.

But I really enjoy being a dad.

I'm a husband, a father, a big brother mentor, uncle, Unc as the young people call, man.

But I enjoy fatherhood, man.

I grew up, my mom raised all boys, particularly by herself, man.

My dad wasn't there to see us grow up.

He wasn't there while he was here, but we never like saw lack, you know?

But there was a void that was definitely needed to be filled throughout my life.

I didn't know until I became an adult.

So I'm a father up five.

And, man, four are living, oh man, we have an angel for sure, but man, I enjoy this thing called fatherhood.

AKA dad, you know, AKA big daddy.

But man, I really enjoy it for sure, man.

It's an honor for sure.

- Yeah, where do you coach?

- Oakhaven.

Oakhaven.

Not in your district, man.

I wish I was.

- And Mike, I appreciate the transparency and you sharing that.

I'd love to hear from you to Tamarques and Antonio about your relationships with your fathers growing up.

What was that like, and how, if any, what role did that play in how you go about fatherhood today?

- For me, I didn't grow up with my father in the household.

I knew who he was, but just not in the household.

But I had a lot of uncles and I had a lot of football coaches from playing little league football.

So you have those particular role models in your life that can just again, guide you and just show you how to be a man.

I just thinking about a story right now, I remember my uncle teaching me how to drive but he just put me on expressway, so I'm like, oh, it's like, well, like, just driving crazy.

And so, but you learn those lessons and you just learn lessons, like just playing football, being around other guys and having that coach.

I played at Melrose High School, like I mentioned, Coach Tim Thompson.

He was a father figure to all of us.

And some of those principles that he instilled in us is still carrying on to this day just about work ethic, treating people with respect, just respecting yourself, respecting women.

So those are the things.

So, but by me not having a father in the household, I took those lessons from people that was around me.

And sometimes you learn a lesson from watching TV.

When I was growing up, I don't know the ideal role model that was on TV.

But so you looked at the football coaches again, you look at your uncles and just the people in the neighborhood.

So, but you just learn those lessons and then I'm able to carry those lessons on throughout life to my two boys.

- Yeah, it takes a village.

- It takes a village, it takes a healthy village.

A lot of people say it takes a village to raise children, but what they miss, what they leave out is it takes a healthy village to raise a child.

- That's a good call out.

That's a good call out.

And we're gonna have to talk a little bit later about you learning how to drive on the expressway.

That's...I've never heard that before.

Antonio?

- For me, basically, I didn't have a father in my life, but I did have a wonderful mother who was very intentional about placing me in situations where I could learn about being a man.

I remember her taking me to the Vollentine's Boys Club and letting me go there to, you know, participate in sports and things like that.

And then she also immersed me in church.

And so I was around the pastors and the deacons and those men who were men of God, who showed me some of the different things that I needed to do in regards to, you know, becoming a man later on in life.

And then also, like brother Porter said, you had your circle.

I grew up with a whole bunch of guys who didn't have our fathers, but we were actually brothers to each other and helped us to uplift ourselves.

And then when I just think about that, and I think about now, by me having that absence, it made me actually want to be a better father.

And it made me wanna strive to do what's right and to be in the gap for my children.

And so that's kind of fueled the fire for me as a father to my children, but also as a surrogate for other young people as I've been working in my career as a educator.

And so just, you know, being there for those young men who I've taught in Orange Mound, in North Memphis and Westwood and in South Memphis.

And so just having those experiences has been a real big boost for me.

- Yeah, no, and I love that, Antonio, and, for me, that really encompasses the topic of today's conversation, which is redefining fatherhood.

So I'd love to hear from y'all in terms of, because you know, when I was growing up, the kids are a little different.

They built a little different now than back when we were growing up.

So I'd love to hear how fatherhood has expanded, you know, from your lens over the years.

Like, you know, our roles they're different now.

It's more, you know, there are no bounds.

But I'd love to hear from y'all in terms of, you know, how has fatherhood expanded from your point of view?

- I would say for me, it's interesting.

Like I have a sophomore in college and a freshman in college right now.

And my son is on a full football scholarship at Miles College.

- That's fantastic.

- And my daughter's at Jackson State University and my son, man, freshman year, I had some challenges, you know, getting involved, you know, just getting accustomed to a new system, right.

And just a couple weeks, maybe now a couple months ago called with something, you know, discouragement on his heart.

And man, I'm very different, very loud, I'm very animated.

I'm raw all the time, right?

No matter what the topic is, no matter.

So he knew he was gonna get his daddy that was gonna come off like a coach that's gonna come off like a motivational speaker that's gonna come off like a preacher.

He knew he was gonna get all that.

So his mom and I were on the phone with him.

And man, we was just encouraging him.

But I was on him, I was on him, you know, and it was just tough love, tough talk.

And I was just telling him, man, like, you got this, you know, you got this, my dog, you know, you don't quit.

And I told him, not because I want you to play football, you can do whatever it is you wanna do.

Like I want you to be successful.

I said, but because if you quit now, thirty years from now, you'll quit on your family.

And then when we finished talking, I told him, I said, man, I wish I had this talk with my dad because I quit.

You know, I went to college for a semester and quit.

I didn't have my father, you know, I had uncles, but they were all busy.

But they were definitely involved, heavily involved.

But that fatherly impact that I saw change the dynamic of my son's thinking in that moment, I was like, man, I wish I had my dad.

I told him that I wish I had my dad.

So for me, to like the fatherhood now versus growing up, personal experience, like it's different.

So you get to see all the voids as an adult.

Like you like, man, I had that void.

I had that void, I had that void.

But also you get to see how to fill those voids with your current children.

And being a father of teenagers now in this day and age, it's interesting.

It's very interesting for sure, man.

So that's get that example for sure.

- Absolutely.

- I can kind of share some of those same experiences like, so I have two young boys, but just read about the question you said, how you redefine fatherhood.

This day and age for me, it is more so listening to my boys.

We often talk about the mental health pieces in our communities alone, but especially men's mental health.

But just listening to them when they coming home and say, hey, you know, dad, I really got a question about this.

But having a safe space, open up that safe space where they can trust you with listening.

Most oftentimes people think that, oh, 'cause I'm the dad, that you automatically have a bond.

Usually it's the woman that has to automatic bond with the child 'cause she's carrying the child.

Sometimes fathers have to go through something or do something with your child to create that bond.

The same thing that animals do as well.

So just having a safe space for my son to say, hey, you know, because I was an athlete, in high school right?

With my children, they're theater children.

So just that transition, and they're musicians, are musical as well.

So just having that transition mentally to say, oh, you know what?

I don't have to, you know, be so hard on them and think that, hey, you got to grow up like how I grew up.

My job is to provide a better lifestyle for you.

But just listening, just not being so again, just being so hard on them.

Just, again, just creating a safe space where they can just feel themselves and be free.

And it is okay to be vulnerable.

It's okay to cry.

It is okay to ask those tough questions 'cause you know what, throughout my life now, I've had to cry.

I have to go ask to go apologize to my children to a certain degree because, you know, I said, man, you know, I shouldn't have told 'em that.

Or because I'm frustrated, I need to realize my frustration, not take it out on them.

So it's just those particular pieces that we have to transition or redefine fathers, say, hey, let me take a step back and it's okay to show your child that you're vulnerable at times.

- I love it.

I love it.

And look, we're all fathers, right?

We wear multiple hats, right?

So we're fathers, we're mentors.

And I think we've touched on how fatherhood has changed, how these kids have even changed.

But how has mentoring changed for y'all?

We're all in the trenches, right?

We're all mentoring kids, but mentoring isn't easy, right?

You can't just- - Not at all.

- You know, you can't just show up one day, introduce yourself, sit down, and all of a sudden you've gotta mentee, right?

You gotta be able to earn that trust with these kids now.

Because if you're just there to check off a box, they can smell it, they can sense it, right?

And they immediately check out.

So I love to hear from y'all, how has mentoring changed?

Are y'all seeing the same thing that I'm seeing?

And, you know, what are y'all doing to really get through to these kids and meet them where they are?

- So I can step into that piece.

And so, by me being back in the school environment now, it really pushes me to actually be more of an active mentor to a lot of young men in the school environment.

And so one of the biggest pieces I think is relationships.

You have to build relationships with the young people and find out what they're interested in, find out what the connection pieces may be for those young men and young women.

And then use it as a leverage piece to support 'em.

And so I know for me, when I'm in the school environment, a lot of times we talk about sports.

A lot of the guys, they love to talk about sports, they love to talk about comics and superhero things now.

That's really big.

And so you connect with that particular piece and you use that as a way to start to build those fruitful conversations, which can lead to other things.

And so, like for me, at my school every day I have about five, about four or five guys who actually walk with, every day I do my mile-walk, and we walk in the hallways, we talk, and I found a lot of stuff out about their lives just during that 15-, 20-minute walk.

But it's enrichment for them because they come back every day, are we gonna go walking, Mr. Harvey?

Oh yeah.

Most definitely.

- Giving them something to look forward to.

- And they look forward to it.

And so they come to school, they behave better because they want to have that interaction with somebody who they feels cares about them.

So I think building those relationships and being intentional and finding what the children actually need is a way to actually support them with this mentor piece.

But then also the next piece is you got to model what you expect.

And so, you know, showing them, you know, what a man should actually behave like and carry themselves is truly important in this day and time.

- I would piggyback on what Antonio just said, because I think it is no one shoe fits all when it comes to mentoring nowadays.

Because, you know, growing up, although I got into a lot of trouble, a whole lot of trouble, and we had guys that stopped by the school, you know, once a week, but they're very consistent, right?

You know who they are, you know, and you was like, oh, that's Mr. such and such man come by, do this program, whatever.

Now, man, for me and my experience in every day with these young men, it is like, is whatever you gotta show up as that day, you know, whatever you gotta show up as that day.

Because you may have to be the priest that day.

You may have to be the financial advisor that day.

You may have to be the lawyer that day.

And unofficially, you may have to be the PO that day.

You may have to be the bounty hunter some days for boys in the communities that we serve, right?

And when you say you gotta model, I have this philosophy that, man, you have role models and you have real models.

And mentoring nowadays, you gotta take the place of a real model.

You gotta be like, you gotta be locked in 'cause you're not locked in number one, youth nowadays are very, very smart.

We didn't have iPhones and stuff when we was in school, you know.

I remember getting my first Cricket, you know, but man, it was a Nokia phone.

But man, they could research anything.

They have access to so much stuff.

And a lot of times, man, with the boys that we serve, like they're kind of out here in life fending for themselves.

So you have to show up, man.

They know that you there, they know that you care.

But man, sometimes, like, they gotta really know.

And it is not what you say it is really what you do, it is really you, man, coach really pulled up on us.

Being in the courtroom.

One has surgery, being at the hospital bed, man, family going through some stuff, being a aide, some kind of support, man, it's no one shoe fits all.

But it is, depends on whatever's that day, whatever they on that day, that's what, you know, that you gotta deal with that day for sure.

Because it forever changes by the minute, by the second for sure.

- I love it now.

So you got role models and you got real models.

I'm gonna have to use that.

I like that.

- I like that.

- That's pretty good.

But I echo what these gentlemen say.

You know, we have organizations that say what they see, they will be, And my thing is, but they have to see something.

And so what is a real man?

What is a real man these days?

I know growing up now, like I've said earlier, we had those role models and mentors, but now it's not so much the guy showing up with the fancy car and the shining suit that's in front of the class or in the community events.

It's the guy that actually just showing up, say, hey, I want to be there, I'm present.

And another thing I think about mentorship is that, you know, we can talk about our jobs and everything, but now is how can we pull that young man, or the young lady and show them actually how to get from A to B?

How can we teach them something?

We talking about fatherhood and men.

But the root word of men is mental.

And so, or the root word of mental is men.

And so when we just looking at the word or what is actual man?

A man is a actual thinking, sapien being, but it has no gender.

The gender is male and female.

But how do we get that young man to think in such a way that he can change his trajectory in life?

- I love it.

I love it.

And you know, what they see is what they'll be.

It's very profound.

It is the slogan for our organization of 100 Black Men of Memphis and of America.

So, you know, and access and exposure is so, so, so important.

And I love to touch on creating safe spaces for our kids for a moment.

You know, these kids, they're only a lot of times when they're in school, that's the safest they are.

That's the most comfortable they are throughout the entire day, right?

And so when that bell rings at 2:15 or 3:15 or whatever time they get outta school, they gotta go back to their real lives, right?

They may not eat, they may not have love, they may not have support, right?

So how do we collaborate and work better together to create safe spaces for these kids so that they can bring their best selves to work and then when they're outta school, not fall through the cracks and be subject to all the other traps that are out there waiting for them to, you know, go into the system.

- That's probably one of the reasons why I did ran for school board because I wanted to be able to help create safer neighborhoods and safer schools and to create those safe spaces.

Oftentimes that, you know, when I was just walking through the neighborhood, they say, Mr. Porter, how do you make it out?

And a lot of times we get caught up in budgets and policies and just the politics of what's happening at the state level and local level.

But you know, again, you know, I'm walking through the schools, I'm walking through the neighborhoods and you got a boy that pull you to the side and say, well, how do you make it out?

And because, you know, true story, like is my dad has left the house 'cause he used to beat on me and he's left the state, he is chasing child support.

He's run away from child support payments and stuff like that.

And so oftentimes, you know, I sit back and think about, well, what can I say to relate to this child?

It's not so much I can say something about a policy or budget.

They don't care about that.

How can I relate?

So those type of stories were really just drove me to running for school board and also trying to break this, I know Antonio talked about just like the school to prison pipeline.

Those type of statistics, if a child can't learn how to read on a third grade level, more likely they may end up going to jail and not graduate.

So for me, those environments have to be created and we can talk about why they created, who created, but just trying to break that school to prison pipeline and say, hey, you know, you can actually be a difference maker in your own life.

Let's show you how to educate yourself.

And the way you educate yourself is you gotta learn how to read, but not so reading like the child can't learn how to read.

The word reading means decoding, deciphering symbols.

Now let's teach 'em what the symbols are.

Now half our teachers in the school system may have a problem with that because they wait, we never would taught to teach like this.

And so, again, I know I'm shifting a bit, going to a different type of conversation.

But just again, that's part of the reason I ran, because again, just trying to help the next generation of children to come from the same communities I came from, just to be a part of their solution, I've always wanted be a part of the solution.

And two, like I say, I have two little boys and I don't want them to look back 20 years now saying, dad, you knew literacy, community violence was a problem and you didn't do nothing about it.

And so I don't want to have that hanging over my head.

- Love it, and to your point, that's something that we can talk about for an hour alone.

But I would love to give the final word to you Mike and you and Antonio about creating safe spaces for our kids.

I think, like we talked about before, having a healthy village, it's time for us to truly bring that back and really have that essence in our community.

So we have to look at who are the main components to supporting our children.

We have to bring the church back into the equation.

We have to bring the community back into the equation.

We have a lot of opportunities where churches can open their doors again in the evening after school hours and have programming in those schools.

We have to find a way also to fund nonprofit organizations who have the capacity to support, but need that funding that they need to support those organizations and everything.

So I think once we look at, you know, what are the goals that we have, how do we get there?

Then we have to actually put 'em into effect.

And so I just think about our school.

When our kids leave in the afternoon, they're walking home.

That's an opportunity where somebody can say, hey, let me get this church bus.

Let's bring 'em over here for an afterschool program.

Teach 'em something about history, teach 'em about literacy, teach 'em about technology or coding.

Doing things like that.

Help 'em with maybe learning about physical activities, things of that nature.

And we bring those safe spaces, then we will allow them to actually be able to thrive again.

Because if they're just going to the corner store, then, you know, anything can happen.

So we have to really bring them back and bring that healthy community back working together.

- Love it.

Love it.

- I love that saying when it takes a village, you know, we heard it plenty of times.

Sometimes I hear that I be the question come in my head like it just did.

Now what happens when the village need help?

You know?

Like, the answer just came to me.

Well, one answer like, is it takes all of us, you know?

Take all of us, man.

It takes conversations like this that go beyond, you know, the shows that go beyond, it takes these real conversations.

They're are solution based, man.

And like he's in the school district, he has an organization, I have an organization.

I'm not in the school district as a teacher, but I'm in the school district as a coach.

But like, what if we all came together?

What can we build together?

The young man is a champion.

So we need to like figuratively speaking man, build a whole off season plan for the champion to be developed because man, right now we know we are facing a lot of challenges here in Memphis, you know, with our young guys, right, our young brothers.

And man, it is on a all-time incline.

But man, how do we actually bring it to, man, decline some, but it's take all of us because the village is struggling.

- Absolutely.

- The village is under fire.

- Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And I appreciate that gentlemen, we are out of time.

Like I said, this is something that we can easily unpack for another hour, hour and a half.

But today's topic reminded us that fatherhood is more than a title, far more than a title.

It's a commitment to lead, to show up every day and to build community in every space that we enter.

So big thanks to our guests for sharing this platform with us, sharing their stories and their purpose.

And thank you all for joining us today.

We'll see you next time as we continue to celebrate voices, victories, and everyday moments that shape black fatherhood.

[gentle R&B music] [acoustic guitar chords]